Last month we considered how to create the wretched story; the story so bad that your own mother would tell you to "Get a job"; a story so abominable even your third-grade teacher would wound your self-esteem and say, "This really stunk!"

Fortunately, you have now progressed beyond wretchedness and are ready for the big time, right? Not right! As we know, progress occurs in tiny steps. So let's be realistic and consider how to climb the ladder just one tiny rung from the depths of Wretchedness to the next level, Merely Bad.

1. Create Dialogue No Human Ever Spoke

Make your characters' speeches more wooden than Pinocchio's head. Forget how people in the real world talk. Pretend like Mrs. Gout, my sixth-grade English teacher, is reading your story, scarlet pencil at the ready. Don't take a chance on getting a C minus; make all your characters talk like educated robots.

For example, Jamie in the sixth grade asks his Kentucky grandfather who has had six grades of education for a favor.

Jamie said, "Grandfather, can I borrow your Indian accoutrements for utilization at the school drama next weekend?"

"Why certainly, Jamie. I would love to have you utilize my collection for the entertainment and enhancement of your fellow students' cerebral capacities."

"Wow, Grandfather, these native American objects of yours will surely enthrall my classmates and expand their minds."

Dialogue this artificial is certain to earn you one of those coveted rejection slips.

2. Write Dialogue That Is Absolutely Faithful to Reality

The important point here is to eschew using dialogue to advance the action or further character development. Instead, show your penetrating insight into the human condition by revealing the fact that most human speech is incredibly dull. For maximal eye-glazing effect, load tons of the following sort of jabbering into your story.

Bill scratched his ribs. "What do you think we ought to do, Butch? How bout some hoops?

"Nah. I got homework to do." Butch stared out the window.

"Like what?" Bill asked.

"Here let me show you," Butch replied. "I got to write this eighteen page report thingie on Bill Gates. It's got to be documented."

"What's that mean?" Bill took a gulp of beer.

"Like, uh, sort of like footnotes."

"You mean that stuff you put--uh--at the bottom of the page?"

"Nah," Butch said. "There's a new way."

Butch now spends a page and a half explaining the new way, then pauses and says, "Hey, what time's the game start?"

"Nine. Oh crap. I just remembered I got to call Shirley."

And so, we drift away from Butch and Bill, only too happy to have escaped their boring discussion. The point is, absolute fidelity to human speech patterns guarantees dismal reading.

3. Forget Syntax

As Judge Learned Hand once said, "One sentence is as good as another, so long as it's not life." Furthermore, we live in a democracy don't we? Freedom of expression is what counts. Bend your mind to self-expression and let those words fly without restraint. Here's the kind of free sentence to create if chaos is our goal.

Swallowing his wad of tobacco, the alligator was heard in the hammock by Grandpa Ridley.

The woman who played the guitar in the red dress appeared to be peculiar.

Melinda grabbed the dagger from Cindy Lu; she was obviously drunk.

The cow pawed the ground outside the window; Mrs. May closed it sharply to shut out the noise, a low bellow issuing from her mouth.

He eyed me as I hurled garbage out the window like a cat in silence.

Mary Jane was given in marriage by her father wearing a green velvet gown.

In short, if our object is to be monstrously bad, let sentences swallow their own tails and wind up knotted in the middle.

4. Assume Your Reader Is Obtuse

Never take the risk that your reader will not see your point. The last paragraph of a story is a particularly wonderful place to reveal your message like this:

And so Cowboy Jack rode off into the twilight, having discovered that communism is a second-rate economic arrangement.

Or

Thus, Otis realized at the last moment that crime does not pay, and that money is the root of all evil except when it is invested in aggressive growth stocks.

Important point: subtlety is never a virtue.

5. Metaphor. If Necessary, Meta Eight. Or Just simile.

Because metaphors are cheap and easy to write, you can never use enough metaphors. The more the merrier, so to speak, so long as they're--uh--not worn out. And remember, a metaphor is especially creative when you manage to mix several in one sentence. For example:

Martin lit up like a 40 watt light-bulb in a new Kenmore refrigerator with automatic defrost and a huge section for crisping vegetables.

The grizzly attacked like a big, old tiger or whatever.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways like a bank teller frantically thumbing through cash in order to check out properly.

He was as insane as a schizophrenic circling the locked ward on roller skates that rumbled like a train leaving Grand Central Station.

Bottom line. If you want to drive your reader crazy as a loon, give them a steady diet of old as the hills metaphors.

6. Keep the Setting Generic

Always be aware a story is mere fiction. Readers do not expect to gain information when reading a story; therefore, if you need a palm tree to hide an Eskimo behind, go for it. Only anal readers worry about such things. And if at all possible keep your setting vanilla. Don't pad with the kind of nonsense Poe used in "The Fall of the House of Usher" where the narrator looked "upon the bleak walls--upon the eye-like windows--upon a few rank sedges--and upon a few white trunks of decayed trees."

Instead knock off the nonsense. Your reader hasn't got all night. Just say: The place was a dump.

The thing to remember is readers want action. Setting is for the birds.

7. Allow Your Protagonist To Miraculously Transform At the Climax

There's nothing more satisfying to a reader than to see good triumphant. Therefore, send your main character through a rapid moral reformation if at all possible. For example, after your serial killer chops up his 22nd body, allow him to see a Bible lying open to a chapter with his name on it. On the next page, have him rescue a child from a burning building and then turn himself in for arrest. While he's languishing on Death Row studying religion, have one of his narrowly-saved victims begin to write to him and marry him. After all, it happens all the time. Give your readers what they need--a dose of unreality.

8. Begin With a Flourish of Trumpets

Unfortunately, too many authors cater to readers' childish desires to be entertained and begin with a galvanizing sentence that inflames interest. You know the kind of thing: "The toes of the hanging corpse barely touched the floor of Marcie Hammons' garage."

Instead, let your reader get relaxed and comfortable with you and the story. Start the same story like this: Your attention, please. There was once a girl, by the name of Marcie Hammons. Marcie had just graduated from nurse's training and bought a starter home, which she purchased cheap for $68,000. Achieving a B average in all her courses, Marcie was good at everything but biochemistry.

Careful attention to all the preceding precepts should go a long way towards ensuring that your story will be a 14-carat loser, but take heart. Think how much you've improved since you wrote an abysmally wretched story a month ago. You're getting better all the time. With a little practice mediocrity cannot be far off.